1
00:00:20,650 --> 00:00:28,259
Good evening. It's wonderful to be back
with you once again, isn't it, Ronnie?

2
00:00:28,260 --> 00:00:31,259
Indeed it is. And in a packed programme
tonight, we shall be talking to two

3
00:00:31,260 --> 00:00:35,119
oriental gentlemen who went into the
drainage business and next week opened

4
00:00:35,120 --> 00:00:36,620
their first Chinese soak away.

5
00:00:38,180 --> 00:00:44,519
We'll also be meeting Joe Muffin, the
world's silliest chef, who boiled a

6
00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:46,810
yesterday and made himself a laughing
stock.

7
00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:51,440
But first, the news.

8
00:00:51,980 --> 00:00:55,659
A breakfast meeting to discuss détente
got off to a bad start today when

9
00:00:55,660 --> 00:00:59,199
President Reagan emptied a jug of orange
juice over Mr. Brezhnev's head.

10
00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:03,290
The Soviet leader responded by ramming
two bananas up the President's nostrils.

11
00:01:04,239 --> 00:01:07,429
The spokesman described the atmosphere
as tense but fruitful.

12
00:01:11,060 --> 00:01:16,779
The golden age of steam returned to
Kingscloth Station today when the hot

13
00:01:16,780 --> 00:01:18,840
vending machine on Platform 5 exploded.

14
00:01:18,841 --> 00:01:23,939
We've just had news of an enterprising
escape from the top security jail for

15
00:01:23,940 --> 00:01:26,040
small offenders serving short sentences.

16
00:01:26,041 --> 00:01:28,839
Fifteen of them in the chain gang
managed to get through the front gate

17
00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:30,340
disguised as a charm bracelet.

18
00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:37,379
Finally, it was revealed in a government
survey published today that Margaret

19
00:01:37,380 --> 00:01:40,960
Thatcher is doing the work of two men,
Ronald and Hardy.

20
00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:47,530
But now a sketch featuring Mr. Ronnie
Corbett.

21
00:01:47,690 --> 00:01:51,600
a man who began his show business career
as Nicholas Parsons' getaway driver.

22
00:02:01,750 --> 00:02:04,570
Yes, yes, thank you. Oh, I'm sure.

23
00:02:05,090 --> 00:02:06,140
Hello. Hello.

24
00:02:06,950 --> 00:02:08,000
I've just been...

25
00:02:08,350 --> 00:02:11,960
I've just been hearing on the grapevine
that you've just been to Africa.

26
00:02:12,090 --> 00:02:15,789
Oh, yes, yes. Awfully hush -hush,
though, old man, yes. Really? Yes, I

27
00:02:15,790 --> 00:02:19,829
can't talk about it, actually. Come on,
you can tell me. No, no, no, I mustn't,

28
00:02:19,830 --> 00:02:20,869
really. Oh, come on. What are you doing?

29
00:02:20,870 --> 00:02:24,000
I'm sorry, no. I'd rather change the
subject, if you don't mind.

30
00:02:24,110 --> 00:02:25,190
How are the children?

31
00:02:25,350 --> 00:02:27,330
Drilling for oil in the Congo, actually.

32
00:02:28,580 --> 00:02:29,960
That's what I've been doing.

33
00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:32,700
Grilling for oil in the Congo, yes. Very
hard work.

34
00:02:32,701 --> 00:02:35,779
Very hard work. Well, I mustn't talk
about it, though. I've said too much

35
00:02:35,780 --> 00:02:37,640
already. Well, I understand.

36
00:02:38,180 --> 00:02:40,920
How's your charming wife? On the job 16
hours a day.

37
00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:45,480
No, I was. I was at the Congo, yes. I'm
on the rig, yes.

38
00:02:45,700 --> 00:02:49,739
Oh, but the conditions are absolutely
vile, you know. Oh, the jungle out there

39
00:02:49,740 --> 00:02:53,699
is so hot and steamy. Oh, but I mustn't.
No. No, no, I'd rather really not

40
00:02:53,700 --> 00:02:55,479
discuss it. Oh, right. Well, I
understand.

41
00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:56,980
Very nice wideness, isn't it?

42
00:02:57,420 --> 00:02:58,700
stinks of elephant dung.

43
00:03:01,580 --> 00:03:04,060
No, no, no, I mean where I am, in the
jungle.

44
00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:10,159
Oh, absolutely awful. And as for the
insects, well, I promised I wouldn't,

45
00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:11,210
I'm not going to.

46
00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:12,610
Well,

47
00:03:12,611 --> 00:03:14,599
you're looking smart, whatever.

48
00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:15,740
Very nice trousers.

49
00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:17,810
Flies are appalling.

50
00:03:19,860 --> 00:03:21,780
I didn't notice, honestly.

51
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:25,370
No, no, no, the flies out in the jungle,
boy, yes, absolutely awful.

52
00:03:25,660 --> 00:03:26,820
Yes, we've...

53
00:03:27,230 --> 00:03:30,480
We've been drilling away for oil, you
know, and last week we sank.

54
00:03:30,590 --> 00:03:36,189
I don't want to boast about this, but I
did think... No, I mustn't. No, I

55
00:03:36,190 --> 00:03:37,330
mustn't tell you. No, no.

56
00:03:37,610 --> 00:03:41,650
Come on, what did you think? I'm sorry,
no, my lips are sealed. No, no, no.

57
00:03:41,990 --> 00:03:43,040
Mum's the word.

58
00:03:43,050 --> 00:03:44,670
Graham, do you know what you are?

59
00:03:45,070 --> 00:03:48,560
Just about the biggest bore the oil
world has ever known. That's right.

60
00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:03,899
My name is Algernon Dinge, and I am a
vet. I'm a fully qualified practitioner

61
00:04:03,900 --> 00:04:07,659
and a member of the Royal College of
Veterinary Surgeons. I have a degree in

62
00:04:07,660 --> 00:04:11,379
zoology, and at present I work as a
consultant at the Royal Beak, Trunk and

63
00:04:11,380 --> 00:04:12,880
Gullet Hospital, Bloomsbury.

64
00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:17,699
Now, I have been asked to talk to you
tonight about the care and treatment of

65
00:04:17,700 --> 00:04:18,659
sick animals.

66
00:04:18,660 --> 00:04:22,690
Now, what happens, for instance, if you
think your dog needs stronger glasses?

67
00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:27,260
Well, send him along to me, and I will
test his eyes with this chart here.

68
00:04:27,911 --> 00:04:35,059
Fails the eyesight test, of course, he
will have to make do with a provisional

69
00:04:35,060 --> 00:04:36,019
dog license.

70
00:04:36,020 --> 00:04:42,319
Now, over here, follow me over here, is
a diagram of a horse that died in very

71
00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:43,520
unusual circumstances.

72
00:04:44,060 --> 00:04:47,939
To train a specialist like myself, the
cause of death here is obvious

73
00:04:47,940 --> 00:04:50,470
immediately. Someone sawn the poor
beggar in half.

74
00:04:51,660 --> 00:04:56,820
Cats. Now, here is a letter from a lady
in Bronze Grove who writes, Dear Dr.

75
00:04:56,880 --> 00:05:00,180
Dinge, my little cat Tiddles, what can I
do about it?

76
00:05:00,781 --> 00:05:06,709
Here's another one, you see, an
identical one here from a gentleman in

77
00:05:06,710 --> 00:05:10,109
Biggleswade. My puppy dog, Rover, keeps
doing big jobs on the floor of the

78
00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:11,089
sitting room.

79
00:05:11,090 --> 00:05:13,200
And I don't mean reupholstering the
sofa.

80
00:05:13,761 --> 00:05:20,909
Further to your suggestion, I tried
rubbing his snout in it, and now, in

81
00:05:20,910 --> 00:05:23,680
addition to doing big jobs, he blows his
nose on the car.

82
00:05:31,110 --> 00:05:33,700
Well, of course, eventually they'll grow
out of it.

83
00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:35,920
Or if they don't, rhubarb will.

84
00:05:35,921 --> 00:05:41,739
Now, if you have got a dog, you should
always make sure it has a nice, healthy

85
00:05:41,740 --> 00:05:43,970
coat, and above all, try to avoid
distemper.

86
00:05:44,140 --> 00:05:47,450
Anyone who gives his dog a coat of
distemper is asking for trouble.

87
00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:52,900
What about psychiatric problems? Well,
here we see a very withdrawn tortoise.

88
00:05:53,780 --> 00:05:58,320
Now, if we wish to coat it out, we have
to treat it just like a human being,

89
00:05:58,380 --> 00:06:00,910
with affection, gentleness, and
understanding.

90
00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:03,460
Okay, you lousy bug, we know you're...

91
00:06:04,900 --> 00:06:08,859
That sort of thing is absolutely a waste
of time. Now, over here, we have a much

92
00:06:08,860 --> 00:06:10,960
more successful case. There we are.

93
00:06:11,740 --> 00:06:13,500
A snail that's been taking Valium.

94
00:06:17,860 --> 00:06:20,800
As you can see, it's managed to
completely unwind.

95
00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:27,860
Now, that brings me to rabbits.

96
00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:30,100
Now, breeding rabbits is easy.

97
00:06:30,340 --> 00:06:32,260
It's not breeding, and it's difficult.

98
00:06:32,261 --> 00:06:36,439
So if you've got more than enough
rabbits, just write to me and I'll send

99
00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:40,439
frank leaflet on voluntary birth control
in rabbits entitled, The Buck Stops

100
00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:41,490
Here.

101
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:47,300
And to help you, here is a rough model.

102
00:06:49,220 --> 00:06:51,660
That was a model upside down.

103
00:06:52,180 --> 00:06:56,240
Now, in this tin here, we have a frog
with hiccups.

104
00:07:01,340 --> 00:07:02,480
Very simple to cure.

105
00:07:02,700 --> 00:07:03,960
Just give it a sudden jump.

106
00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:16,200
Hedgehogs. Now, hedgehogs can be
something of a pest.

107
00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:20,439
They get their name, of course, because
they are a type of small hog, and they

108
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:21,490
live in a hedge.

109
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:23,520
Titmice aren't much fun either.

110
00:07:30,521 --> 00:07:37,749
I'm often called out to attend to cases
on farms. The other day, I had to go to

111
00:07:37,750 --> 00:07:40,820
a bird sanctuary in Sydenham to deal
with a sex -crazed goose.

112
00:07:41,030 --> 00:07:43,860
It kept having a gander over next door
neighbour's wall.

113
00:07:43,861 --> 00:07:49,569
I also had to treat a duck who'd given
himself a hernia trying to hatch a golf

114
00:07:49,570 --> 00:07:50,620
ball.

115
00:07:50,621 --> 00:07:55,449
Then there was the very disturbing case
of the nymphomaniac sheep. Now, I wasn't

116
00:07:55,450 --> 00:07:59,129
able to cure her, but I did use the wool
to make the world's first sleeveless

117
00:07:59,130 --> 00:08:00,180
pushover.

118
00:08:02,090 --> 00:08:05,770
A lot of people often ask me what to do
about frustration in cows.

119
00:08:05,771 --> 00:08:09,429
Well, complain to the Isle of Wight
Tourist Board. That's the best way.

120
00:08:09,430 --> 00:08:15,829
And lastly... Lastly, we come to animals
in zoos. Now, even in a zoo, correct

121
00:08:15,830 --> 00:08:18,590
diet is essential, or the effect can be
devastating.

122
00:08:18,591 --> 00:08:21,769
Now, here, for instance, we see a boa
constrictor that's been eating far too

123
00:08:21,770 --> 00:08:22,820
many sausages.

124
00:08:24,730 --> 00:08:28,710
Here, we have an armadillo that's been
fed entirely on sliced bread.

125
00:08:33,159 --> 00:08:37,139
Finally, animal husbandry, like the rest
of industry, has to move with the age

126
00:08:37,140 --> 00:08:37,939
of technology.

127
00:08:37,940 --> 00:08:41,678
And already, British Leyland have
developed a new prototype which could

128
00:08:41,679 --> 00:08:43,640
revolutionise our battery farms.

129
00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:46,940
And here it is, the new chicken
hatchback.

130
00:08:54,220 --> 00:08:58,259
Engineered entirely at Leyland's plant
in Longbridge, you can already see the

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00:08:58,260 --> 00:08:59,540
rust underneath the wing.

132
00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:06,260
So, in conclusion, please remember,
animals need the utmost care and

133
00:09:06,261 --> 00:09:09,179
And failing this, try a little mustard
or cranberry sauce.

134
00:09:09,180 --> 00:09:10,230
Good night.

135
00:09:24,780 --> 00:09:28,560
Her next door's husband's rambling
again.

136
00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:29,950
Oh, dear.

137
00:09:30,750 --> 00:09:31,800
Is he violent?

138
00:09:31,930 --> 00:09:33,270
Oh, no, I mean his hiking.

139
00:09:34,430 --> 00:09:38,130
He's gone off up the downs with two
young girls from a drains department.

140
00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:44,029
I'm surprised she lets him go. Oh, she
says he's too old to chase women up

141
00:09:44,030 --> 00:09:48,209
mountains. I don't know, you get a man
up a mountain with two girls wearing

142
00:09:48,210 --> 00:09:49,260
little shorts.

143
00:09:49,390 --> 00:09:51,560
They're bound to come down sooner or
later.

144
00:09:51,561 --> 00:09:56,069
Well, this is maybe, isn't it? She says
the only trouble with his hiking all

145
00:09:56,070 --> 00:09:58,830
these years is he's made his feet
enormous.

146
00:10:00,810 --> 00:10:04,810
His feet are so big, he has to put his
trousers on over his head.

147
00:10:06,290 --> 00:10:08,710
I'd like to see that.

148
00:10:08,930 --> 00:10:10,470
Like the mountain with him.

149
00:10:15,790 --> 00:10:19,090
Singing He Made Me Laugh, please welcome
Marty Webb.

150
00:10:37,930 --> 00:10:38,980
And it rains.

151
00:12:34,670 --> 00:12:37,990
He made me laugh and laugh.

152
00:12:38,250 --> 00:12:40,230
I had such fun.

153
00:12:40,810 --> 00:12:42,390
And so did he.

154
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:38,780
Kidnapping on the high seas.

155
00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:42,739
The mystery of the disappearing all
-girls band, one of the most unusual

156
00:13:42,740 --> 00:13:46,539
ever to completely outwit our two
lethargic heroes, Charlie Farley and

157
00:13:46,540 --> 00:13:51,020
Malone. A cruise liner, already in the
Mediterranean with two detectives

158
00:13:51,300 --> 00:13:54,190
is the unlikely venue of this weird and
baffling mystery.

159
00:13:54,191 --> 00:13:58,439
Piggy Malone, as always, was completely
clueless. But Charlie Farley believed

160
00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:01,539
that a drug was being administered in
the food the girls of the orchestra ate

161
00:14:01,540 --> 00:14:06,320
during the interval, and was even now
taking steps to obtain a little

162
00:14:32,501 --> 00:14:39,609
part of the ship. He is searching the
bars for a suitable guinea pig to try

163
00:14:39,610 --> 00:14:43,129
drugged food to see if it really does
relax the victim sufficiently to agree

164
00:14:43,130 --> 00:14:47,149
anything. He is even now approaching a
large redhead pretending he thinks she

165
00:14:47,150 --> 00:14:50,580
one of the orchestra only to find that
she's pretty relaxed already.

166
00:14:52,950 --> 00:14:54,850
Evening. Hello, sailor.

167
00:14:56,470 --> 00:14:59,490
What do you play?

168
00:15:00,110 --> 00:15:01,690
What? What do you want to play?

169
00:15:03,250 --> 00:15:05,660
No, I thought you were a member of the
orchestra.

170
00:15:05,661 --> 00:15:06,849
Not me.

171
00:15:06,850 --> 00:15:08,650
I don't play second fiddle to anyone.

172
00:15:09,830 --> 00:15:10,880
Oh, sorry.

173
00:15:13,350 --> 00:15:14,490
Haven't you got a seat?

174
00:15:14,730 --> 00:15:17,650
One of the best, but I've got nowhere to
put it.

175
00:15:18,210 --> 00:15:20,010
Hold it up there, shall we?

176
00:15:28,990 --> 00:15:34,010
Drink? Oh, my legs are dropping off.
What I really need is a screwdriver.

177
00:15:41,070 --> 00:15:42,370
Do they look false?

178
00:15:44,990 --> 00:15:46,040
No.

179
00:15:46,510 --> 00:15:50,549
What's all this about a screwdriver,
then? It's a drink, lovey. Vodka and

180
00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:52,130
juice. Oh, I see.

181
00:15:52,490 --> 00:15:55,380
One large screwdriver, please, and I'll
have a brown ale.

182
00:15:56,130 --> 00:15:58,370
No. I'm starving.

183
00:16:03,350 --> 00:16:04,400
How are you?

184
00:16:05,570 --> 00:16:08,460
Perhaps you'd like to join me later on
deck for a sandwich.

185
00:16:08,610 --> 00:16:09,660
A sandwich?

186
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:11,300
That's what you call it.

187
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:13,940
What's in it for me, then?

188
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:16,120
Depends, doesn't it?

189
00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:18,330
Corned beef?

190
00:17:17,770 --> 00:17:18,820
was, didn't they?

191
00:17:18,890 --> 00:17:21,720
Well, I daren't leave, dare I, for fear
of being spotted.

192
00:17:21,721 --> 00:17:25,629
As it was, I had to sit through the
whole overture to Tannhauser. You didn't

193
00:17:25,630 --> 00:17:28,449
have to sit through your knee
sandwiches, though, did you?

194
00:17:28,450 --> 00:17:29,709
Well, there was no other way.

195
00:17:29,710 --> 00:17:32,360
As it was, a drunk spotted me, came over
and proposed.

196
00:17:32,790 --> 00:17:34,270
Married? No, not married, no.

197
00:17:34,690 --> 00:17:35,890
Something very similar.

198
00:17:35,891 --> 00:17:41,129
Well, I'll have to do. I'm carrying out
this test later. I've got a heavy date

199
00:17:41,130 --> 00:17:42,180
with a bird. A date?

200
00:17:42,250 --> 00:17:43,390
Yeah, with a heavy bird.

201
00:17:43,391 --> 00:17:47,049
If these really are dry... They should
relax her enough to agree to anything,

202
00:17:47,050 --> 00:17:48,100
shouldn't they?

203
00:17:50,530 --> 00:17:51,670
Perhaps I can iron them.

204
00:17:57,370 --> 00:17:58,420
How was that one?

205
00:17:58,910 --> 00:18:01,150
Good. But then anything's good to me.

206
00:18:02,450 --> 00:18:03,500
I should diet.

207
00:18:04,670 --> 00:18:05,720
Do you diet?

208
00:18:06,190 --> 00:18:07,510
Yeah, I'm on a seafood diet.

209
00:18:08,390 --> 00:18:09,440
Seafood and I eat it.

210
00:18:14,620 --> 00:18:15,670
Not while I'm eating.

211
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:20,740
I mean a roll, you know, a French roll.

212
00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:22,120
Oh, great.

213
00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:35,340
Well, look at all that water.

214
00:18:36,300 --> 00:18:39,060
Yeah, and that's only the top of it.

215
00:18:44,191 --> 00:18:47,409
Well, this is a special one, this is.

216
00:18:47,410 --> 00:18:48,769
That's got everything in it.

217
00:18:48,770 --> 00:18:51,060
Oh, you've been sitting on this one till
last.

218
00:18:51,170 --> 00:18:52,250
Well, not me, exactly.

219
00:18:53,110 --> 00:18:54,610
Looks like somebody ironed it.

220
00:19:02,690 --> 00:19:03,740
Well,

221
00:19:10,730 --> 00:19:11,780
that's a lot.

222
00:19:12,470 --> 00:19:13,520
Beautiful.

223
00:19:14,290 --> 00:19:15,950
Tell me, are you... unattached?

224
00:19:16,490 --> 00:19:18,950
No. Just sloppily put together, I guess.

225
00:19:25,770 --> 00:19:26,850
Well, how do you feel?

226
00:19:28,130 --> 00:19:29,180
Full.

227
00:19:29,590 --> 00:19:32,090
Yeah, but I mean, don't you feel
anything else?

228
00:19:33,230 --> 00:19:35,730
Feel like pushing the boat up?

229
00:19:36,570 --> 00:19:37,930
The boat is out, isn't it?

230
00:19:39,170 --> 00:19:42,790
Yeah, but what I mean is, is the
situation getting to you?

231
00:19:43,330 --> 00:19:44,380
The ocean?

232
00:19:48,780 --> 00:19:51,190
Aren't you getting some other kind of
feeling?

233
00:19:51,260 --> 00:19:52,760
I'll tell you what I am getting.

234
00:19:52,980 --> 00:19:54,030
What?

235
00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:55,210
Wind.

236
00:19:57,760 --> 00:20:02,379
So once again, our overweight hero has
guessed wrong. The food is not drunk.

237
00:20:02,380 --> 00:20:05,939
even as the two non -plus nincompoops
are busy wondering what to do next, the

238
00:20:05,940 --> 00:20:08,230
girls start disappearing even more
rapidly.

239
00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:36,330
Okay.

240
00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:38,499
But now, finally, the liner had reached
its exotic destination, and even as it

241
00:21:38,500 --> 00:21:41,120
prepared to dock, suddenly, at last, a
clue.

242
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:46,200
Piggy finds a card in his pocket. Where
did it come from? Who planted it there?

243
00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:50,419
He quickly shows it to Charlie, whose
brilliant powers of deduction

244
00:21:50,420 --> 00:21:51,640
spring into action.

245
00:21:52,740 --> 00:21:54,240
It's a card we're writing on it.

246
00:21:56,800 --> 00:22:00,959
If you want to know what's happening to
the girls, go to this place in the town

247
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:03,580
and show them this card with the
password.

248
00:22:03,581 --> 00:22:05,979
It's a Chinese restaurant.

249
00:22:05,980 --> 00:22:07,030
Chinese?

250
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:10,190
The white slaver was Chinese, according
to Mrs. Hickstead.

251
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:11,640
Bumpstead. Don't you start.

252
00:22:11,641 --> 00:22:15,379
What are we supposed to show them then?
This dragon thing on the back there? No,

253
00:22:15,380 --> 00:22:16,880
no, that's a sort of trademark.

254
00:22:16,881 --> 00:22:19,099
Wait a minute, there's some numbers
here.

255
00:22:19,100 --> 00:22:20,820
Probably a code.

256
00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:22,240
Just get my code book out.

257
00:22:22,660 --> 00:22:28,380
Let's have a look. Now, let us assume,
shall we, that letter A represents one.

258
00:22:29,180 --> 00:22:35,100
Now, the numbers down here are 3, 15,
23, 6, 21, 20.

259
00:22:37,180 --> 00:22:40,720
That's, um, that works. That's cow -fut.

260
00:22:42,260 --> 00:22:43,310
Cow -fut?

261
00:22:44,540 --> 00:22:45,980
Cow -fut, yes.

262
00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:49,210
It's a bit odd, that, really, isn't it?
Cow -fut.

263
00:22:49,500 --> 00:22:50,640
Probably China's name.

264
00:22:50,980 --> 00:22:52,720
Could be his address for all we know.

265
00:22:52,980 --> 00:22:55,450
No, no, no, the address. That's the
address there.

266
00:22:55,451 --> 00:22:56,659
Is it? Yeah.

267
00:22:56,660 --> 00:22:58,799
Well, that's where we're going, isn't
it?

268
00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:00,060
To the Chinese quarter.

269
00:23:00,061 --> 00:23:00,779
To the

270
00:23:00,780 --> 00:23:21,379
Chinese

271
00:23:21,380 --> 00:23:25,360
quarter. Are Piggy and Charlie at last
on to something? Who tipped them off?

272
00:23:25,710 --> 00:23:29,440
Is the kidnapping of the girls really
part of a big Chinese takeaway plan?

273
00:23:31,190 --> 00:23:33,830
And has the blind man got his eye on
them?

274
00:23:34,430 --> 00:23:39,150
Don't miss next week's titillating
episode of Band of Slaves.

275
00:23:49,830 --> 00:23:50,880
Ethel?

276
00:23:51,350 --> 00:23:52,590
What is it, Arnold?

277
00:23:53,070 --> 00:23:54,450
Thou'st been mullikin'.

278
00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:57,040
What? There's talk.

279
00:23:57,600 --> 00:23:58,650
What talk?

280
00:23:59,040 --> 00:24:02,500
There's them as says that you's keeping
fancy man outside.

281
00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:04,730
Fancy man?

282
00:24:04,820 --> 00:24:07,480
Me? Where would I keep a fancy man?

283
00:24:07,740 --> 00:24:08,820
Inco, what happened?

284
00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:14,120
Give over, you daft ape.

285
00:24:14,380 --> 00:24:16,700
I don't have no truck with fancy men.

286
00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:18,360
What about Archie Grimshaw?

287
00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:19,840
Archie Grimshaw?

288
00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:21,920
That were 12 years since.

289
00:24:21,921 --> 00:24:25,919
Oh, shut up and feet, dog. Aye, feet,
dog, that's all I'm good for, feet and

290
00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:29,050
dog. Hey, come on, Towsie, wake up, you
mangy cur. Come on, get up.

291
00:24:29,980 --> 00:24:32,440
Don't call him mangy. You don't like it.

292
00:24:32,700 --> 00:24:36,619
Oh, well, come on, lad, get up. At least
in these times. Come on, time for your

293
00:24:36,620 --> 00:24:37,670
doggy chunks. Come on.

294
00:24:38,140 --> 00:24:42,319
He doesn't like doggy chunks. Now, give
him something decent. Decent? Give him

295
00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:46,439
something decent? You know what he had
yesterday? He had roast beef, he had

296
00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:50,519
Yorkshire pudding, he had two veg and
sherry trifle. You see him cock up his

297
00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:53,590
ears at the sound of sherry trifle?
Young dog's an alcoholic.

298
00:24:55,980 --> 00:24:59,780
Hey, listen, Ethel. Things is all right
between thee and me, aren't they,

299
00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:03,140
lassie? Oh, you daft cluck. Of course
they are.

300
00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:06,730
I mean, all this talk about me having a
little piece, I'm fried.

301
00:25:07,260 --> 00:25:09,980
Where would I find that? In McElthwaite?
You. You.

302
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:13,360
Hey, calm this in.

303
00:25:13,361 --> 00:25:16,979
Calm this in. Don't tick on so, Towsie.
Don't tick off. Do you reckon he's

304
00:25:16,980 --> 00:25:18,030
jealous, love?

305
00:25:18,740 --> 00:25:20,180
Don't be daft. He's a dog.

306
00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:22,980
Stop scratching, Towsie.

307
00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:25,240
There's something funny about young dog.

308
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:26,640
What do you mean by that?

309
00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:45,450
put my finger on it.

310
00:25:48,380 --> 00:25:49,430
On what?

311
00:25:49,431 --> 00:25:53,119
Well, he's not like other dogs, is he? I
mean, I come in yesterday and he was

312
00:25:53,120 --> 00:25:57,179
sitting in the front room there in the
rocking chair, bald as brass, reading

313
00:25:57,180 --> 00:25:58,230
newspaper.

314
00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:01,100
Last Christmas Eve, he had his arm round
thee.

315
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:03,180
Oh, well, that were only natural.

316
00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:05,580
He'd had too much Tetley's Best Bitter.

317
00:26:06,660 --> 00:26:07,710
Hey,

318
00:26:07,940 --> 00:26:11,920
wait a minute. He's always got his arm
round thee. If I go up to Wally Clacker,

319
00:26:11,980 --> 00:26:16,319
of an evening, I don't see their dog
sitting on the sofa with his arm round

320
00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:17,370
Winnie Clackhandle.

321
00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:21,860
Well, of course not. It's a bloody
chihuahua, ain't it?

322
00:26:26,900 --> 00:26:29,550
Yes, I'd forgotten that. Yes, that's
quite true, yes.

323
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:33,600
Yes, it's a long way round Winnie
Clackhandle for a chihuahua.

324
00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:38,560
Just shut up and have a fag. No, thanks,
no. I'm trying to give them up.

325
00:26:39,360 --> 00:26:42,880
It's the price of dog food that's doing
it. I can't afford it, we said.

326
00:26:42,881 --> 00:26:47,119
There's something worrying me about that
dog. I don't know what it is.

327
00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:48,600
I know what it is.

328
00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:52,560
We've never taken him down to the vets
to be done, have we?

329
00:26:55,580 --> 00:26:57,240
Just a nicky smoking.

330
00:26:58,300 --> 00:26:59,350
So what?

331
00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:01,620
That a dog on Esther Anson says
sausages.

332
00:27:02,340 --> 00:27:03,390
Sausages?

333
00:27:08,241 --> 00:27:15,109
I'm not going to sit here in my own
parlour discussing things with a damn

334
00:27:15,110 --> 00:27:16,160
He's talking to me.

335
00:27:18,450 --> 00:27:20,670
All right, that's it. I'll admit it.

336
00:27:21,270 --> 00:27:22,710
I'm fed up.

337
00:27:22,950 --> 00:27:24,510
Absolutely fed up.

338
00:27:25,030 --> 00:27:26,710
Call about an old horse.

339
00:27:26,910 --> 00:27:29,790
Listen, I knew there was something fishy
going on here.

340
00:27:30,030 --> 00:27:32,730
Hey, you're Archie Grimshaw.

341
00:27:33,570 --> 00:27:35,210
Hey, so it is.

342
00:27:35,510 --> 00:27:39,869
Archie Grimshaw, you've been living here
free for 12 years, man and dog, haven't

343
00:27:39,870 --> 00:27:40,920
you?

344
00:27:40,921 --> 00:27:43,599
I've been going out earning your doggy
chunks. You've been having your filthy

345
00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:44,650
paws around my apple.

346
00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:49,879
Don't think it's been easy. Twelve years
running after sticks, fetch, die for

347
00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:53,360
queens, live for country. Been an
absolutely bloody dog fly.

348
00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:57,679
Listen, I've been taking you out round
park, haven't I? I've had more cold

349
00:27:57,680 --> 00:28:00,619
than you have had hot dinners. Haven't
had very hot dinners since I've been

350
00:28:00,620 --> 00:28:03,459
here, I tell you that. And you killed
the apple tree, didn't you? All right,

351
00:28:03,460 --> 00:28:04,510
right.

352
00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:09,319
All right, lads, you just thought it
out. I'm going to see a man about

353
00:28:09,320 --> 00:28:10,370
man.

354
00:28:10,649 --> 00:28:11,850
Listen, listen, Mr.

355
00:28:11,851 --> 00:28:15,129
Grimshaw, you're out. You're out of this
door tomorrow morning and you can take

356
00:28:15,130 --> 00:28:19,009
your rubber bone with you. I don't think
so. Oh, you don't think so? Then it's

357
00:28:19,010 --> 00:28:23,129
down the PDSA for you, lad. Nay, don't
you forget this. I know about you and

358
00:28:23,130 --> 00:28:24,180
Winnie Clackhandle.

359
00:28:24,770 --> 00:28:26,030
Winnie Clackhandle? Yes.

360
00:28:26,750 --> 00:28:30,910
Every Friday, Nick raffles at bingo. Who
is on Matt the Smelly Old Bone?

361
00:28:31,210 --> 00:28:33,190
Me. Who is on sofa?

362
00:28:33,390 --> 00:28:35,490
Well, Winnie Clackhandle, thee.

363
00:28:36,940 --> 00:28:40,799
Maybe I've been a bit hasty. I've been a
little hasty with you. Fair do's,

364
00:28:40,800 --> 00:28:41,850
Towser. Archie.

365
00:28:41,851 --> 00:28:44,699
Listen, all right, you can stay here.
You can do what you like in the house,

366
00:28:44,700 --> 00:28:48,099
know what I mean. But you must be a dog
for its neighbours, all right? Done.

367
00:28:48,100 --> 00:28:49,800
Absolutely done, yes. Right.

368
00:28:50,060 --> 00:28:51,320
Only on one condition.

369
00:28:51,560 --> 00:28:54,330
No more outings to Crofts. We've been
there seven times.

370
00:28:54,480 --> 00:28:57,610
The best we've done is got one smelly
rotten lousy third place.

371
00:28:57,611 --> 00:29:00,599
Listen, you had your belly stroked by
Clement Freud, didn't you?

372
00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:02,100
Many of us have had that honour.

373
00:29:02,101 --> 00:29:05,189
All right, then. No jealousies, eh? No
jealousy. Live and let live. Put your

374
00:29:05,190 --> 00:29:06,240
little paw there.

375
00:29:06,830 --> 00:29:07,990
Oh, well, it depends.

376
00:29:08,230 --> 00:29:09,930
Well, that's nice.

377
00:29:10,210 --> 00:29:11,590
Well, I'm going to feed cats.

378
00:29:11,970 --> 00:29:13,910
Tiddles? Yeah, baby.

379
00:29:16,001 --> 00:29:17,449
Tonight

380
00:29:17,450 --> 00:29:24,949
I'd

381
00:29:24,950 --> 00:29:29,990
like, if I may, to relate a joke exactly
as it was told to me by our producer.

382
00:29:30,010 --> 00:29:31,910
Well, not exactly, because...

383
00:29:32,140 --> 00:29:36,279
I must be honest, I have to say this,
that since he told me this story, he has

384
00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:41,000
stopped drying his nail varnish.

385
00:29:42,900 --> 00:29:45,060
No, he has also stopped drinking.

386
00:29:45,580 --> 00:29:49,400
In fact, these days, he is abstemious to
a fault.

387
00:29:49,720 --> 00:29:51,760
He even takes soda with a scotch egg.

388
00:29:52,880 --> 00:29:59,639
Now, we all have to be careful. As a
matter of fact, I've been on a bit of a

389
00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:01,340
health kick myself recently.

390
00:30:02,110 --> 00:30:04,090
Filter tip sausages, that sort of thing.

391
00:30:05,490 --> 00:30:08,210
I have also been trying a bit of heat
therapy.

392
00:30:08,910 --> 00:30:11,080
Bought one of those sun ray lamps, you
know.

393
00:30:11,330 --> 00:30:14,730
I was actually recommended to me by a
BBC weather forecaster.

394
00:30:14,950 --> 00:30:16,150
It's quite interesting.

395
00:30:16,151 --> 00:30:19,209
No, it's quite interesting. You leave it
on for six minutes, then it turns into

396
00:30:19,210 --> 00:30:20,260
a shower.

397
00:30:21,470 --> 00:30:26,129
Now, which reminds me, this actually
reminds me of an incident I wanted to

398
00:30:26,130 --> 00:30:29,490
you about, because the other afternoon,
I was lying in the bath.

399
00:30:29,491 --> 00:30:33,159
Thinking to myself, my God, isn't nature
wonderful?

400
00:30:33,160 --> 00:30:38,620
Playing I Spy with the window cleaner.

401
00:30:40,460 --> 00:30:46,420
My wife, my wife Anne, was downstairs
having one of her socks, to be honest.

402
00:30:46,980 --> 00:30:49,660
I'm afraid we'd had a bit of a row the
other morning.

403
00:30:50,420 --> 00:30:55,060
The postman had delivered my weekly
stack of fan mail.

404
00:30:56,000 --> 00:31:01,459
One letter. And on the front of the
envelope it had got... To the funniest

405
00:31:01,460 --> 00:31:02,510
on television.

406
00:31:02,960 --> 00:31:05,790
My wife had sent it back, Mark, not
known at this address.

407
00:31:07,620 --> 00:31:12,239
I was in the bar when all of a sudden
the phone rang and it was the producer

408
00:31:12,240 --> 00:31:14,380
the line. He said to me, is that you,
dear?

409
00:31:15,000 --> 00:31:17,620
He calls me dear.

410
00:31:18,820 --> 00:31:20,680
Obviously he hasn't read my contract.

411
00:31:21,320 --> 00:31:28,119
He was actually ringing up to ask if I
want to go on this year's BBC

412
00:31:28,120 --> 00:31:29,280
staff outing.

413
00:31:29,520 --> 00:31:33,200
Every year the BBC organised one of
these military trips.

414
00:31:33,480 --> 00:31:36,420
For £6 .50 you get a skateboard and a
blindfold.

415
00:31:36,421 --> 00:31:41,659
Now this year they were trying something
a little bit different.

416
00:31:41,660 --> 00:31:44,840
An out -of -season day trip to
Cleethorpes.

417
00:31:45,640 --> 00:31:47,600
So I rather foolishly said I'd go.

418
00:31:47,860 --> 00:31:52,180
And of course it was a total disaster.
Things got off to a very shaky start.

419
00:31:52,520 --> 00:31:54,280
We went to the local fairground.

420
00:31:54,600 --> 00:31:57,910
The producer's secretary came down the
helter -skelter too fast.

421
00:31:58,300 --> 00:32:00,040
and screwed herself into the floor.

422
00:32:01,340 --> 00:32:08,160
Then the head of comedy... I'm sorry,
you're making up your own jokes.

423
00:32:09,480 --> 00:32:14,220
The head of comedy... The head of
comedy, who's a little bit on the snooty

424
00:32:14,440 --> 00:32:21,019
the sort of man who eats candy floss
with a knife and fork, he refused to go

425
00:32:21,020 --> 00:32:24,380
into the Hall of Mirrors because he
never sees himself without an

426
00:32:24,381 --> 00:32:29,619
I can tell you things weren't any lively
when we went on the beach, to be

427
00:32:29,620 --> 00:32:33,290
honest. Punch and Judy Puppets were both
away at an Equity Branch meeting.

428
00:32:34,580 --> 00:32:39,259
And in fact, the most exciting moment of
the whole trip came when one of the

429
00:32:39,260 --> 00:32:43,639
make -up girls decided to do a spot of
sunbathing, being a little bit self

430
00:32:43,640 --> 00:32:45,780
-conscious about her rather flat figure.

431
00:32:46,060 --> 00:32:49,640
Instead of a bikini top, she wore two
magnifying glasses.

432
00:32:54,670 --> 00:32:57,260
and was arrested for making a spectacle
of herself.

433
00:32:58,150 --> 00:33:03,469
It was during this outing the producer
happened to tell me this joke, and it is

434
00:33:03,470 --> 00:33:07,609
all about this old Scottish minister up
in the Highlands who is one day

435
00:33:07,610 --> 00:33:12,889
delivering a sermon to his assembled
parishioners on the subject of what to

436
00:33:12,890 --> 00:33:14,530
if you hunger after sex.

437
00:33:15,670 --> 00:33:17,470
Keep a tin of biscuits on the bedside.

438
00:33:24,600 --> 00:33:25,780
No, he didn't say that.

439
00:33:26,900 --> 00:33:29,580
But nevertheless, it was a very
thrilling sermon.

440
00:33:30,580 --> 00:33:36,260
And after it was all over, there's a
lady in the audience writing it down.

441
00:33:38,410 --> 00:33:43,289
After it was all over, this magnificent
sermon, his young curate came up and he

442
00:33:43,290 --> 00:33:46,549
said, that was the most brilliant thing,
he said, I've ever heard that. He said,

443
00:33:46,550 --> 00:33:50,589
how I wish, he said, I had the
confidence to deliver, the oratory to

444
00:33:50,590 --> 00:33:53,849
sermon like that. So the minister takes
the curate back into the church, and

445
00:33:53,850 --> 00:33:57,569
from a little ledge behind the pulpit,
he takes out a glass full of what looks

446
00:33:57,570 --> 00:33:59,010
like water, but is in fact gin.

447
00:33:59,170 --> 00:34:02,769
And the old minister said, he said,
before you get up to speak, he said,

448
00:34:02,770 --> 00:34:06,569
just take a wee snort of this, this wee
gin, he said, it'll give you all the

449
00:34:06,570 --> 00:34:07,620
confidence you need.

450
00:34:07,621 --> 00:34:11,149
So the following sound of a young curate
delivers his sermon, you see, and

451
00:34:11,150 --> 00:34:13,988
throughout he keeps having a little sip
of the gin, you see, throughout the

452
00:34:13,989 --> 00:34:16,988
sermon. And afterwards, he finishes it
all. Afterwards, he goes to ask the

453
00:34:16,989 --> 00:34:19,289
minister how it went. The old minister
said, he said, well, it was very, very

454
00:34:19,290 --> 00:34:20,089
vivid, son.

455
00:34:20,090 --> 00:34:21,140
Very, very moving.

456
00:34:21,730 --> 00:34:26,549
Very, very good sermon. He said, just
one or two points. One or two teeny

457
00:34:26,550 --> 00:34:27,600
totty wee points.

458
00:34:27,601 --> 00:34:31,189
What would you like to make? He said,
first of all, when you finish your

459
00:34:31,190 --> 00:34:34,189
he said, I'd rather you didn't tear your
notes up and throw them at the

460
00:34:34,190 --> 00:34:35,240
congregation.

461
00:34:35,241 --> 00:34:39,289
He said, and when you leave the pulpit,
it's better to walk down the steps, not

462
00:34:39,290 --> 00:34:40,490
slide down the banister.

463
00:34:41,710 --> 00:34:46,149
And he said, the correct phrase is that
David slew Goliath. He didn't knock

464
00:34:46,150 --> 00:34:47,290
seven bloody bells out.

465
00:34:49,650 --> 00:34:54,630
And finally, remember, he said, that
David's sling was full of shot.

466
00:35:39,720 --> 00:35:41,120
Then,

467
00:35:57,180 --> 00:35:59,530
quick! In the terrible teeny time.

468
00:36:13,160 --> 00:36:14,320
I look distinctly odd.

469
00:36:14,540 --> 00:36:18,280
I'm ever so weenie and terribly teeny.
I'm miniature Sweeney Todd.

470
00:36:18,560 --> 00:36:22,240
So we don't love it, am I? I bake a
tasty pie.

471
00:36:22,620 --> 00:36:26,290
You're certain to love it, or else you
can shove it. It's certainly worth a

472
00:36:26,500 --> 00:36:27,940
A life you can't forget.

473
00:36:28,380 --> 00:36:30,100
The best you've ever had.

474
00:36:30,340 --> 00:36:34,070
You'll find it in front of the good food
guide as well as the police gazette.

475
00:36:34,180 --> 00:36:36,460
The terrible tale of Teeny Todd.

476
00:36:36,760 --> 00:36:40,320
The terrible tale of Teeny Todd.

477
00:36:40,321 --> 00:36:46,549
I train with speed and ease. A flick of
the wrist and that's one, please. And a

478
00:36:46,550 --> 00:36:47,750
shot and done.

479
00:36:47,990 --> 00:36:49,770
He's a terrible kid in his heart.

480
00:36:51,830 --> 00:36:53,090
Pussy, pussy, pussy.

481
00:36:53,370 --> 00:36:56,090
Here, pussy, nice pussy, nice pussy,
pussy.

482
00:36:56,450 --> 00:36:58,310
Pussy, pussy, pussy. Please love it.

483
00:36:58,530 --> 00:37:01,550
If you're from the butcher, the meat's
too dear.

484
00:37:01,790 --> 00:37:02,840
Pussy, pussy, pussy.

485
00:37:03,050 --> 00:37:06,470
Excuse me, this pie is purring.

486
00:37:06,870 --> 00:37:09,030
Oh, that's where it's got to.

487
00:37:10,010 --> 00:37:11,610
What can I do for you, darling?

488
00:37:12,200 --> 00:37:14,060
come to see you about the postcard.

489
00:37:14,280 --> 00:37:20,139
Postcard? Yes, the adverts in the
newsagents. Oh, if your French maid

490
00:37:20,140 --> 00:37:21,520
position, that's next door.

491
00:37:21,800 --> 00:37:27,639
I am young widow with double front,
professional gentleman accommodating.

492
00:37:27,640 --> 00:37:29,500
you a professional gentleman, dear?

493
00:37:29,680 --> 00:37:31,240
I'm more of a small businessman.

494
00:37:32,200 --> 00:37:34,200
I'm Mr. Todd the barber.

495
00:37:34,480 --> 00:37:36,400
Todd? That's odd.

496
00:37:36,900 --> 00:37:39,020
We had a lodger called Todd.

497
00:37:39,300 --> 00:37:40,350
A Mr.

498
00:37:40,420 --> 00:37:41,470
Sweeney Todd.

499
00:37:41,790 --> 00:37:43,550
Are you any relation, Mr. T?

500
00:37:43,950 --> 00:37:45,990
Relation? I'm teeny -tod.

501
00:37:46,190 --> 00:37:47,240
He's brother.

502
00:37:47,550 --> 00:37:48,730
No, he's half -brother.

503
00:37:49,690 --> 00:37:52,770
Did he ever mention our little
arrangement?

504
00:37:54,890 --> 00:38:00,530
Arrangement? Yes, our... Arrangement.

505
00:38:01,050 --> 00:38:07,010
Your... Arrangement? Yes. No, he never
mentioned that.

506
00:38:10,700 --> 00:38:15,240
To help to one another, I can send the
occasional client up for a shave.

507
00:38:15,560 --> 00:38:18,620
And I can pop a few down to you.

508
00:38:19,100 --> 00:38:20,150
Partner!

509
00:38:23,540 --> 00:38:26,000
We are opening a brand new business.

510
00:38:26,240 --> 00:38:28,080
The premises are all complete.

511
00:38:28,920 --> 00:38:31,200
I'm downstairs with the pastry shop.

512
00:38:31,440 --> 00:38:33,300
And I'm up there with a quick chop.

513
00:38:33,560 --> 00:38:35,460
We certainly have no business.

514
00:38:35,880 --> 00:38:37,880
The competition's hard to beat.

515
00:38:38,760 --> 00:38:41,050
And if I drop a tang on everybody now
and then?

516
00:38:41,240 --> 00:38:42,860
I'm certain we can make ends meet.

517
00:38:43,680 --> 00:38:47,560
Thank you, bestie. The premises are all
up, sweet.

518
00:38:48,480 --> 00:38:50,740
I'm upstairs with a chair, of course.

519
00:38:50,960 --> 00:38:53,100
And I'm down here with a eight -piece
suit.

520
00:38:53,580 --> 00:38:55,220
I'm in the tip -top service.

521
00:38:55,480 --> 00:38:57,440
So cut along and take a seat.

522
00:38:57,820 --> 00:39:00,700
A little bit of lava and a smile and
whoops.

523
00:39:02,760 --> 00:39:04,680
I'm certain we can make ends meet.

524
00:39:08,940 --> 00:39:15,420
In my barbershop high in the sky, it's a
rollicking parade that I fly.

525
00:39:16,100 --> 00:39:22,719
If the customers fret and the feeling
upset, when I get my Gillette, they end

526
00:39:22,720 --> 00:39:23,770
nice as pie.

527
00:39:24,060 --> 00:39:26,740
There's no end to the things you can
try.

528
00:39:27,080 --> 00:39:30,260
Have a short back and side on the slide.

529
00:39:30,740 --> 00:39:37,219
Have a rinse and a rave. Have a shampoo
and shave. Or a permanent wave of

530
00:39:37,220 --> 00:39:38,270
goodbye.

531
00:39:56,910 --> 00:39:57,960
you can trust.

532
00:39:58,670 --> 00:40:04,730
Each eye's a nice surprise with plenty
of body and crust.

533
00:40:05,170 --> 00:40:11,850
You think you're a pie and possibly
choose your friends.

534
00:40:12,570 --> 00:40:18,690
Try the penny one's could be anyone's
rump or little best end.

535
00:40:19,350 --> 00:40:22,670
I learned from a barber called Snacker.

536
00:40:23,050 --> 00:40:26,010
He shaved with high speed and a leer.

537
00:40:26,710 --> 00:40:29,570
First lesson was, what's this here,
Razor?

538
00:40:29,810 --> 00:40:32,710
The second was, where's that there ear?

539
00:40:33,050 --> 00:40:34,100
Oh!

540
00:40:39,190 --> 00:40:44,990
Sing down, sing down. Oh, sing down a
body to me.

541
00:40:48,430 --> 00:40:51,790
Here's one, it looks a nice plump one to
me.

542
00:40:53,330 --> 00:40:55,350
That's a nice several, Barbara.

543
00:40:57,100 --> 00:41:03,399
Most of the shames wasn't bad, but last
night in the shop with two sailors was

544
00:41:03,400 --> 00:41:05,820
the closest shame I've ever had.

545
00:41:06,480 --> 00:41:12,660
See, we'd love it for lovely pies, a
thrifty cook, am I?

546
00:41:13,420 --> 00:41:19,480
No waste, just flaky paste and a finger
in every pie.

547
00:41:24,200 --> 00:41:26,840
McDonald's with more to munch.

548
00:41:27,180 --> 00:41:33,480
While I'm labouring, get a neighbour and
have somebody for lunch.

549
00:41:34,340 --> 00:41:37,920
Got no worries and got no cares.

550
00:41:38,520 --> 00:41:44,519
Lots of profit in barber's chairs
because truculent bristles make

551
00:41:44,520 --> 00:41:47,420
bristles and us into millionaires.

552
00:42:08,560 --> 00:42:11,360
Police! Police!

553
00:42:23,280 --> 00:42:27,279
The factories of the Kent police are the
constable covered in lather. Is it kiss

554
00:42:27,280 --> 00:42:29,740
-me -quick at the local nick in a bit of
algebra?

555
00:42:30,340 --> 00:42:35,119
Is it here she's born to a terrible tod
and the watery eye of a warder? No, it's

556
00:42:35,120 --> 00:42:38,380
Turnham Green Police Canteen. They're
going to place an order.

557
00:42:39,640 --> 00:42:44,480
So it's doodle -oo from the boys in blue
in Paddington Range and Buckney.

558
00:42:44,560 --> 00:42:49,059
They're all replying to catering sides
and serving a buck is gutsy. So you have

559
00:42:49,060 --> 00:42:52,260
to pay, not today, and give the chair
for the squad's fun.

560
00:43:10,691 --> 00:43:18,239
Well, that's just about all we have time
for tonight, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, I'm

561
00:43:18,240 --> 00:43:21,190
afraid it is. But before we go, just
three late items of news.

562
00:43:21,480 --> 00:43:25,579
At tonight's old -timers tennis
championships at the Albert Hall, Fred

563
00:43:25,580 --> 00:43:26,630
dentures fell out.

564
00:43:27,080 --> 00:43:31,379
Then Yaroslav Drobny's dentures fell out
twice, and he went on to win by two

565
00:43:31,380 --> 00:43:32,430
sets to one.

566
00:43:34,800 --> 00:43:36,720
Awkward news from Surrey tonight.

567
00:43:36,940 --> 00:43:42,299
The Farnham housewife who's gone on the
new mini -pill is in the family way. And

568
00:43:42,300 --> 00:43:45,970
the Basingstoke woman who's on the new
jumbo -pill is in everybody's way.

569
00:43:48,260 --> 00:43:50,560
Finally, the economy, and a London
hotel...

570
00:43:50,561 --> 00:43:54,899
today reports that business is so bad
that the management is stealing towels

571
00:43:54,900 --> 00:43:55,950
from the guests.

572
00:43:57,580 --> 00:44:03,379
Next week we'll be talking to the man
who went on an oysters -only diet to

573
00:44:03,380 --> 00:44:06,679
improve his sex life, but now he only
makes love when there's an hour in the

574
00:44:06,680 --> 00:44:07,730
month.

575
00:44:07,731 --> 00:44:12,079
And we'll have the honour of meeting
Michael Foote, who has just been

576
00:44:12,080 --> 00:44:14,910
chairman of the International Year of
the Dishevelled.

577
00:44:15,551 --> 00:44:20,549
Good night from me. And it's good night
from him. Good night.

578
00:44:20,550 --> 00:44:25,100
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